I went on a date last weekend, and it was pure torture. 
Tut-tut if you must, but I really am not one for hyperbole.  Amelia is an entirely sweet, kind, and beautiful girl; I just feel my heart freeze when I'm around her.  We come from different families, move in different circles, and the always fatal factor in Baltimore, claim different sorts of high schools.  This may very well be shallow and incredibly snobbish behavior, for which I make no apologies.  The fact of the matter being that we inhabit entirely different worlds, and that she is a simple, uncultured bore.

Hearing her grotesque East Bawlmer accent, which is by no means endearing, can be attributed as what sealed our fate. Amelia is great at first glance, but it doesn't take long to see that the patina is damaged, if it was ever there in the first place.  She would most likely make for a brief guilt-free romp, but that is not at all what I'm after, and as far I can tell, neither is she.

My unapologetic harshness with poor Amelia can be attributed in large part to the fact that I'm still not over Jill, a fact that only recently made it self known to me. Though I doubt my being entirely ready for a relationship would have given us a chance.

Another thing that both inspires pity in my granite heart and further aggravates me, is the fact that she is all but clueless.  I made a point of not making my thoughts known, something difficult for me to pull off. As far as I could tell she had a great time, and that she appears genuinely interested in me, and no doubt will be blind-sided when I say I don't want to go on another date. I can't stand people as receptive as a rock, though she can't be blamed completely since there was deception on my part.

In conclusion, I only wish to find someone as interested in me as I in them

Tags: bad date, frustration, snobbishness
Current Location: Baltimore, MD
Current Mood: cold
Current Music: Alice Smith - Desert Song

Not to sound affected, or overly sensitive, but I can feel myself slowly unraveling as a person.  I'm treating people in ways I never have before, saying things and behaving like a person I used to look down my nose at, though it isn't humbling, only frustrating.  I think I can be self-analytical to a fault, and that may be part of the whole problem, though I would rather think too much about how I'm perceived than be a blissfully ignorant oaf who has not the slightest idea he inspires loathing in the hearts of those he considers his closest friends.  Yet that still doesn't stop me conducting myself in ways I consider shameless. I become consumed with the thoughts of what is being said about me behind my back, which for all I know might never happen, but that does nothing to assuage my paranoia. 

Another thing that has bothered me to no end lately is my seeming inability to sustain close friendships.  I can create new ties easily enough, but as that ancient maxim goes, and I have no idea as to the actual wording, it's far easier to conquer an empire than to maintain it.  I understand that moving on is a part of life, and that we cannot have the same coterie of friends forever, but there is no outward change visible, I am not any less exposed to them, and I wonder whether the wall is being built by me alone, which only serves to exasperate me more.  I have friends now, but all I want is to return to those who I still see regularly and reclaim the closeness I had with them.

Tags: anxiety, insanity, nonsense
Current Location: Baltimore, Md
Current Mood: distressed
Current Music: neko case-hold on, hold on

I have a very close friend, let's call him Andrew.

I told him some very sensitive and personal information regarding my parent's delicate situation right now, and he thought it would be funny to blurt it out heedlessly in a public place around plenty of people I know and do not care for.

I thought I could confide in him, and he decides to make a cruel joke the expense of my mother and myself. It was entirely infantile and uncalled for, and the worst part is he has plenty of bigger skeletons in his closet than I do.

For one thing, he established himself last year to me as an ignorant and pompous homophobe, spewing the usual nonsense about how it's against God's plan and evil etc., something for which it was hard to overcome for me, since I am entirely intolerant of intolerance, if that makes any sense.

I understand his father is a Baptist minister, but that doesn't stop him from having his own mind. 

He fits the mold of someone who rants and raves against gays to hide the fact that he himself is.  I was writing on his facebook wall the other day, and I noticed that he has created an entirely false persona online.  He's listed as living in DC, which isn't true, he's lived in Baltimore all his life, and all of his stauses all make it sound as if he's going through a rough relationship, which he's not, because he told me.  He also posts notes with lyrics from relatively well-known songs and claims to have written them. Also, he changed his settings recently so that I can only see his limited profile, ie not his wall. 

He has over four thousand friends who he's never met before, save online.  Almost all of them are out of the closet gay men.

I know what he does in his private life is his business, but I don't think he can cut down other people to divert suspicion on him, and he has no problem airing his closest friends' dirty laundry for a truly rude and hurtful joke.

Tags: deceit, dishonesty, ignorance, toxic friends
Current Location: Baltimore, MD
Current Mood: annoyed
Current Music: Lily Allen- The Fear

Happy (insert age here) birthday, </a>tyulka</b></a></span>!!!

Current Location: Baltimore, MD
Current Mood: chipper
Current Music: Lily Allen

I saw her friday night at the Rams Head Tavern in Annapolis, I love her soulful sound, but it's like something I've never heard before. Download her album For Lovers, Dreamers, and Me on itunes, or something...